Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Being a grown up...

We all want something...love, a home, a family and friends, a good job. The list goes on and on.

I want my innocence back. I want that moment where I realized how fucked up the world is switched off like a light so I can go to sleep at night without thinking about the women in other countries who are being raped and murdered simply because they are female and weak. I want to enjoy this short time on Earth without seeing what everyone else pretends doesn't exist. I want to drive away from my kids school and not see some guy walking his dog and ultimately think...predator. I want to see the good again.

I want back my rose colored glasses.

All of us suffer from some pain at the loss of our innocence. Divorce, death, bullying, lost love, and the unrequited. We all have that moment where we realize our last shred of innocence has died.

I remember mine. I was twenty one. In love with the man that eventually became my first husband. Not long into our relationship something significant happened...we moved in together...got engaged...ended up pregnant. Before my twenty second birthday I was married and a mother for the first time. I was a baby still. So foolish...so prideful. I didn't think anything bad could ever happen to me.

While I was pregnant and he worked late...I didn't ultimately think he was screwing his co-worker in the break room. I didn't think those late night inventories were code for booty calls. I was a child having a child. I was inexperienced. A small town girl living in a much larger city. I was naïve...still so innocent.

Later I found out the truth. Not only was he a cheater during my pregnancy...but it was worse. A family secret...inched it's way out sometime during the whirl wind of our relationship. That reason he had to go to the Police Department and register...wasn't for assault and running away. No one get's a felony for pushing down his sister.

I was naïve.

I should have known better. I can hit myself all day with the things I didn't see. I wish I were smarter....more world wise. Less ridiculous. I believed him when he told me why he had to register. I believed him when he told me he had to work late. I believed those lies because I wanted to see the best in him....the way I wanted to see the world through that beautiful pink colored hue.

It was an accident that I found out the truth. I wasn't smart enough to dig for it on my own. I was not who I am now. It was fate really...or God trying to give me a heads up. If I'd only listened...

It was not assault in the way I thought...but it was assault...he didn't lie completely. It was his mother who erroneously told me what was really happening. She asked me if I knew about why he had to register in California. I told her that yes he had told me the truth. She tried to lighten the blow by saying that she thinks it started as a misunderstanding...that his sister had lied about it being unconsensual...it was that word that made me realize that something wasn't right. I wish I could slap the girl of then with the reality of her situation.

His mother thought it was initially consensual. A massage that got out of hand. Two horny teenagers who didn't quite realize what they were doing. Self-exploration. Whatever. All I could do was run the word assault around in my mind. Redefine it. I thought assault meant injury. A punch, a push, a broken nose. Violence of the angry kind. Not sex. Not Incest. Never in my mind had the thought of him fucking his sister entered into my idea of what assault meant.

I didn't see the ugly in the explanation. I saw what I wanted to see...him loving me. Him being beautiful...him being good. Him being honest. Him being a person who wouldn't lie, wouldn't cheat and certainly wouldn't rape his own biological sister.

I didn't see it.

Even after...I didn't want to. I lived in a bubble of numbness well into my third trimester. After my sons birth. It all aligned in an insane way. The world burst open. I was no longer walking in a black and white world. There was color everywhere. Green for envy...red for lust....black for sorrow...and an ugly grey yellow was the color of his lies...and they covered everything.

His explanation for his past...his reason for registering in the state of California. The late night inventory. The lies...the deceit. The truth covered everything in a puke tinged brown. My life fell off it's axis. The world was changed. I couldn't raise a child with a man I didn't know. He was a figment of my imagination. A phantom.

We divorced.

It was ugly. I caught him fucking his now wife while I was at work. I came home early you see. To a house with a whore in it's bedroom. Now I have to smile while she hugs my son. I have to pretend like it's okay for his benefit...not hers. I want to scream at every teacher meeting where his lies and fake personality win over every red blooded female that he's a sick sack of shit who raped his sister. I want to spew the ugly hatred from my body. I want to tell my son where his fathers money was going when I was raising him without financial support from his father and barely making ends meet while his dad paid for hotel rooms so he could screw his mistress. I want to tell him that she his step mother doesn't respect me because she knows that I know the deep ugly heart that beats inside her fucking chest.

But I say nothing.

Because it will only hurt him. But someday. Someday I'll be so knocked down by fake smiles and laughter at my back and teaching my son to disrespect me that I'll spew the brown vomitus truth all over their ugly yellow lies and the world will see what they really are.



Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Mourning...a voice

I am in a constant state of mourning. Waiting for that last shoe to drop. In seven years I've lost two crucial people in my life. Two beautiful souls called home. They were both over eighty, had lived long lives, and made a better world for their children as they left it. Though I miss them and mourn them, it is not their loss that cuts me at this point in time.

My father is dying.

Physically he is healthy. His heart is strong and his body able. It is his mind that suffers and decays. At first a few small pieces shriveled and died. The disease mutilating what once may not have been a perfect man but a good one. He is no longer recognizable. Every day, week, month he slips further and further away. How can a man, a law abiding man, one with principals and a pure belief in God suffer so at the end of his life. How can God allow him to become this shell...this aggressive angry stranger I no longer know.

He has been kicked from the home that my brother so painstakingly chose, to a drab, sterile, institutionalized hell. It isn't right. It isn't humble. Do not go quietly into that night...there is no quiet...there is no struggle...there is only suffering. Night...would be a mercy. We don't know how long we'll have to watch him suffer. Losing him while we wait for him to die. It's macabre and morbid. I don't usually wish for someones death...but my father if he knew himself...would hate this.

He punched a women in the face. A women! The man that raised me...though stubborn...though the fool when it came to women....never hit them. Never. He wouldn't. He saved my mother from a violent relationship. He didn't believe in violence. Though he would rise if called, it was never his solution to problems. He was more prone to yell than hit. I hate watching this. I hate feeling this anger towards my God.

I believe in things happening for a reason...What is this reason? Pain. Suffering. Am I to be made stronger...does my father really deserve this? I quiet my mind and wait for clarity. I am in a constant state of mourning...though he isn't dead...though I sometimes wish it. Death will claim all of us. I know this. I fight the fear and the reality everyday. I know my time is coming. It comes for us all. I concentrate on the living. I want to see my sons grow, marry, have children.

My father no longer recognizes his children. I am someone he knows. Someone he sees as family.

I am nameless.

God, what I would give to hear him call my name. I replay my grandmothers voice as she calls for me. Remember her smell. I no longer remember my father's voice as he called my name. He hasn't said it...in over a year.

The things we miss without realizing they are gone. A burst of smoke that evaporates too quickly. We can't hold onto it. One moment it is there...and in another...it's gone. Only the memory remains...or the emptiness of a memory. I wish I'd played his voice saying my name in my mind. I wish I could find it there hidden in the depths.

Fear follows. Will I succumb to the same disease that's claimed him? Will my children also miss the sound of my voice as I say their names...and worse of all...will this horrible moment happen....while I'm still alive?

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Feeling Bitchy?

Writing is hard.

Harder than anything I've ever done...including birth. Now, I may have been the lucky recipient of two C-sections, so my view is a little skewed. There were no long hours of labor or pushing out watermelons. I had nice drugs and little pain, even with the emergency C-section. It was...not terrible.

Writing is hard.

For reasons I can't even list sometimes. Self-publishing...is even harder. Not only do you have to write the book, characters, story, create a world, edit, re-edit, and hope to God your thoughts and voice comes across the page in some semblance of understandable, you have to do everything else as well.

Advertising...

Holy shit is there not a more annoying word in the dictionary. I am not good at advertising. In fact, even when I have paid for it, I still manage to suck at it.

Book Covers...

Not nearly as terrifying...but ultimately time consuming. Hours...days have gone by to needless flicks of the mouse in Photoshop. I could write novels in the time I've spent doing the self-publishing side of writing. The hours of tweaking my blog, or formatting for Kindle.

I hate self-publishing. It is the most thankless job I've ever done. Worse than cleaning bathrooms with three boys in the house. Worse than the vomit, diarrhea and spit up involved with infants. My God do I hate it...but I also love the control. There are no deadlines (this is both good/bad really) I am my own worst enemy. I procrastinate...waste time. Stare at Facebook, Goodreads, blogger...etc.

I have no Boss. I am the Boss. I should fire myself. I am not good a self promotion. I hate talking about my writing. Not because I think it's bad, but because it's awkward. I don't want to stroke my own back, or toot my own horn. I know what I am. Flawed...human...a perfectionist.

I am good at details. At painting with words...sometimes too much. Sometimes not enough. I, like Hemingway, read a book that is popular and set out to do it better. I never thought I'd be competitive. I'm not popular enough to even try. But I can finish a book and say...hmm that's pretty good. Better in my opinion. Shit probably in someone else's.

I publish and hope that somehow a reader stumbles across my book. But I don't harp in chat rooms, or post everywhere. I feel a little dirty when I self-promote. Whiny. It's not good. So where do I go from here? Do I take that giant leap towards tradition. Find a publisher. Hand over my control for a little less time-consuming processes that aren't writing. Trade in my creative freedom for some monetary relief.

I don't know what to do...and that's the rub...the problem. I don't know what's more important anymore. I hate self-publishing, but I don't. I hate doing it all myself, but like the control. I hate being so fucking indecisive...and yet my choice has not become any easier while whining in written form. Sometimes I wish life had a magic 8-ball. Shake, ask your question...reply.

A solid answer...yes or no.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Seven Deadly Kings

I came up with the idea for this book not long after I started The Wild Hunt. Chronologically I can't really start it until after Released Lilith:Part 2, and Soul Eater are written. It's been waiting to be tinkered with for years.

Like anything else, I never intended to get as side tracked as I have by other projects. By this time I was supposed to have written three more Wild Hunt Novella's, finished Released and started...you guessed it...this son of a bitch.

I know that someday I'll get to it. Just as I want to write a book about Wanton (demon name for Las Vegas), I also want to write about these demon kings. They like the other monsters in my books interest me. Just as Lilith does. I wish I had some clue why Released is being such a little bitch to write. I got side-tracked by Mean Bitch, and now another idea has come to fruition.

I won't go too far into details only to say it is a YA with new monsters. I wish I had more hours in the freaking day. At the rate I'm going the ideas will be many and the books few. Let's hold out hope that my fingers don't fall off and I never go blind.

Anywho....this is the new evolving cover for the first book in The Seven Deadly Kings series. The name is workable, but I actually really enjoy the Charlie with sugar skull picture. I think I'll have a Halloween party or something involved.

Dreams

It's no secret that I use my dreams for inspiration. Sometimes it's scary dreams that garner my attention. The terrifying revolving faces of demons that taunt and chase me. Sometimes its the sweet ache of a new or unrequited love. Dreams are full of inspiration.

Lately I've been having this reoccurring dream that slips away not long after I wake up. I'm left only with the distant impression that I have dreamed it before and that I am somehow connected to these creatures that are stalking me.

The point of this post is that dreams are full of crafty little bits of ideas but if you don't write them down then they aren't worth anything.

When I was in College I took this English course called Dreams and Interpretations. It was an excellent class. I absolutely loved it. One of the lessons, was especially exciting to me. It was a lesson written by or guest written by Stephen King. In the book Mr. King used examples from his novels about parts of them that were actually from his own dreams. Salem's Lot for instance was full of ripe terrifying descriptions straight from his subconscious imagination. He tweaked them of course but he said that to him the best writing happened when you were in a state of between. That cusp in-between awake and slumber, where dreams reside. It is in this foggy state that you can find or tap into a fountain of inspiration.

I think the best writing comes from this place. So many people ask me where my idea's come and most of the time I can't answer. Other books sometimes inspire, movies, music, real life horrors, trends, tweets, the truth is the idea comes from somewhere unknown. An unfathomable bottomless pit that is dark and murky and nameless.

Keep a dream journal. Keep it near you so you can write everything you remember down before it is gone. This morning I had a wonderful dream that I didn't write down. It's just wispy smoke now. The faint glimmer of shapes and feelings.

Write it down! The moment it hits you, the moment the synapses snap and meet and that fathomless pit spits up something substantial.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Calling all Fellow Bitches!!!

It's that wonderful time...that natural high from an almost finished manuscript.

Mean Bitch is coming!! (ignore the pun)

I have some treats...first some words from our badass bitch herself...Cassandra.
 
 
"I am bound and kneeling before him...twisted nylon cord wrapped neatly around my wrists and torso. Usually, I enjoy the process. It's like letting go. Each knot is a decision I no longer have to make."
 
 
 
 
 
And the biggest present (again ignore the pun) The Book Trailer!!
 
 
 
Mean Bitch Book Trailer
 

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Christmas, reading...and other random sh*t

Christmas is different every year. Some years, I plan out my course of action. I have the kiddies make lists. I layaway items in October/November so that a chunk of my shopping is taken care of, and paid off in a general make my life easier mindset.

In past years I did none of these things. I waited until after Thanksgiving, and then, suddenly, as if spontaneously flying by, not unlike a dip in an Otherside river, December 1st is here and I had nothing done.

Luckily, this year, I planned ahead. And a good thing at that.

This is my rant.

I didn't pay our Direct T.V. bill.

Let me be more specific...two months ago.

Not because I'm an asshole, though admittedly I am, so is everyone. I didn't pay it because they signed us up for NFL ticket, another year of services I didn't want etc. We canceled our services, and left the rest to be...interpreted. We didn't receive a bill, we received calls. Dozens of them. Everyday for weeks. We told them, we wouldn't pay for services we didn't sign up for. We were done. Send us the boxes, bills, and so on.

They sent the boxes a week ago.

It is December 13th.

Right before Thanksgiving my father went into a Home for patients with Dementia/Alzheimers. It has been a shitty couple of weeks. He is not adjusting well. Wants to come home. Blames my brother...starts riots...gets agitated...hates life.

I hate it too sometimes...especially when my dad is so upset and all I want is for him to be safe, well fed, healthy, happy, and no longer lonely.

My dad used to live in the mountains. In a large house on five acres close to Yosemite. It was a beautiful house, and then his memory started slipping. It hurt to watch. To see him disappear a little at a time. He has Vascualar Dementia, which means it moves faster than normal Alzheimers. It's like a forest fire. We breath, and a little more burns away.

He can't read anymore...and I'm a writer. My father never got to sit down and read my stories. This breaks my heart. He always believed in my writing...even when I didn't know I was a writer.

Needless to say...with my dad's declining health, the holidays, just life in fucking general we didn't send the fucking Direct T.V. shit back.

Oh to have that moment when I didn't send it back.

Today, unbeknownst and without my approval, knowledge or okay, Direct T.V. debited my account. An account they were told not to debit months ago, when we stopped automatic payment. I am a moron.

My account is 475 dollars less today.

I called my bank.

They couldn't stop it.

The world can be major assholes at times. This is one of them. My kids Christmas just got raped. I feel violated. Angry. Sad and mean. I want to rip out spines. I want to breathe fire and burn buildings. Mostly I want for people to do what's right, when we live in a world full of wrong.

Fuck you Direct T.V.

Fuck you for your bullshit fee's, contracts and automatic payments. Fuck you for taking money, that may or may not belong to you on the eve of freaking Christmas.

FUCK YOU.

In the long run, that money is never coming back. I could hear it in the poor bank woman's voice. I am screwed. But, there is a lovely silver lining. That 475 dollars will not break me. I can rise above. We are lucky. We have enough. Even if my kids get nothing else, they are okay. God will provide.

Now to the better part. I owe Direct T.V. nothing now. I changed my bank account information, and I get to tell people how much they suck.

Mostly, I feel sad. Not for me who is out five hundred bucks...but for the family that isn't as well off as mine, that got roped into Direct T.V.'s gimic and is now fucked in a way that I am not. They won't get presents this year, while my spoiled brats will. They may not have electricity or heat. They may not have a nice new car in the driveway or a beautiful Victorian roof over their head. I am an asshole in this instance. There are people out there with real legitimate problems. Going hungry, going without, the real people in need.

So I want to give back somehow. I want to walk into Kmart and pay off some stranger's layaway. I want to give the bum in the rain a shiny crisp hundred dollar bill. Because he needs it more than I do.

That's the whole point of this season anyway...to give back. To celebrate Jesus in all his glory. Sure he'd see the injustice of my situation but he also teaches to turn the other cheek. I usually try to avoid a whole lot of religious beliefs in my posts. I don't like to alienate anyone. Though I believe in God, and Jesus Christ my heart does not allow me to believe in a God that thinks my religion is better than yours.

I refuse to live in that world.

Merry Christmas...and if you feel the need to give back, give to someone who really needs it this season.
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