Complicated

Life has been so strange lately. I find myself angry for no reason. Caught somewhere between denial and oppression. 

Hoping that I’ll wake up and the loss of this last year will be erased or worse pretending it never happened. I’ll see a friend pregnant or that someone just had their baby and I’m so envious and angry I can’t see.

Why do they get their baby? Where’s mine?

And I hope that no one knows the awful things going on in my head. I hope God forgives me.

And I hate and hate and hate and don’t know how to get it out of my body. It’s starting to screw up my relationship. And I wonder how do people survive this. 

How do their marriages get through the loss of a child. 

How do I? 

There’s so many things we aren’t saying. Like if we don’t say them they will go away. So I’ll say them here.

I’m sorry

Part of me hates you

I hate myself

I hate God

I still want my baby

I feel like you’ll never understand me

I don’t even understand myself

Please forgive me

Sometimes I don’t want to be with you 

Because you will always remind me of what we lost together, of my worst day on this planet. And I hate that you’re associated with that pain. 

Dreams

 Here we are again. I’m sure a therapist would tell me I have unresolved feelings or some shit and that is why I dream about your annoying ass so often. No shit. The problem is I would like to Eternal Sunshine your ass out of my memory please and thank you. 

It wasn’t epic. You did not love me while I the idiot absolutely loved you. Unrequited absolutely but not epic. Not epic at all. 

So let’s Freud this shit and figure out why you continue to haunt me. Regrets…1 I didn’t tell you. But that was self preservation at its finest. I didn’t tell you because I knew you didn’t love me and saying it to you would have been too much and it would have fucked me up royally.

The love wasn’t bigger or more intense but there was something to it something with teeth. Something that could murder my soul if I wasn’t careful. I felt like I could see into you to a space that no one else could. It was different from the other loves Ive felt purely for that alone. 

Did you see me back. No

Much to my horror and pain you did not. I’m not sure you could have really even if you’d tried. This was all me. All my complicated feelings. 

So the dreams. I have a fulfilling life. I just spent an amazing weekend in Vegas. Come home and have sex dreams about you. Not just sex but babies this time. Children. Why? Because I know you have a daughter. 

You’d think that me knowing Karma bit you on the ass would soothe some fucked up part of me but it doesn’t. 

I want you out of my head. You Don’t deserve to be there. You didn’t sacrifice for me or take care of me or do anything kind or giving. You were my fucked up friend who sometimes fucked me but couldn’t date me because I had a kid. 

Fuck you.

My husband should be the one in my dreams. He fucking earned that shit. Has cared loved and supported me in everything.

Fuck you and fuck Me. I hate these dreams because every single time it makes me think about you all damn day long. 

So yeah fuck me.