I'm a perfectionist.
I'm not sure when I first realized this, high school, college, after having my first child. Over the years it's probably gotten worse, the need to make whatever I do as perfect as absolutely possible. I'm the girl who slaves over the stove and kicks myself after taking the first bite, more garlic, less salt. Whatever it is that the perfectionist doesn't like, I mentally spank myself. Over and over through out the day it cracks the whip. Seriously. I should probably drink more, lighten up. Let go.
Why is it so hard sometimes. When it comes to my story. I am the worlds worst critic. I don't think anyone could say anything that the perfectionist in me wouldn't nod along with and narrow its terrible eyes in my direction. LOL I just had a mental image of myself cowering in the corner before the loud slap. I know, I'm crazy. (Inside the perfectionist is nodding, just so you know).
Anyways to the point..............Oh yea. No one can say something worst than what I tell myself. It isn't possible. If they said my story was unimaginative drivel, inside the perfectionist nods. If they say I should give it up, inside the perfectionist nods. I wish I could slap the crap out of that perfectionist, but it would probably just squeal with glee, excited at the prospect of punishment.......... I'm sure Freud would love me. All the inner turmoil and angst. LOL okay I'm not a young adult novel, but you get the point.
I hate being a perfectionist. I have to remind myself to take a step back, take a deep breath, and except what I'm capable of, and what I'm not. I hate it, not getting it just so, just right, perfect. Is there anything on this earth that is, that isn't somehow slightly off balance, a little too much of this, too little of that. Even though my perfectionist often rules me, I'm learning, however painfully. To let go.
But the novel, the book, I can't seem to ease up on. I just keep beating myself and whimpering, unsure of where to go. Something is off, and my inner perfectionist won't let it go. Refuses. So I'm stuck, writers block............only this time, it's a million times worse.
So what do I do now? Continue to help with the remodel, take out the sander, and the nail gun and hope the large amount of power tools eases my inner sorrow. I will finish the book.......someday. The moment will come where that aha moment rises and falls and my inner perfectionist will shut up and finally allow my fingers to hit the keys. I know my book will never be perfect (inside I'm cringing, the perfectionist is shaking her head refusing to believe it.) I wonder how many authors suffer from my particular brand of crazy. So many are like other artists, dark and foreboding, alcholics, addicts, with messy lives, and even messier love stories.
So here I am, a little crazy, (inside the perfectionist snorts obnoxiously, she's kind of a bitch.......) and I wonder, how many other people fight their inner compass, accept something that isn't quite right as good enough. Or do they see the imperfection the way I do..............LOL mental spanking, I have to find somewhere to use that, it's kind of funny. Crap, focus Ashley, there was a point, but I've already lost it. Haha Lost it, geez I crack myself up. (The IP, inner perfectionist, rolls her eyes.) See I even annoy me, but the point I'm grasping for is...... I hate being a perfectionist, hate, hate, HATE. But I am who I am, so the hiatus is still on. But I'm hoping the block breaks soon. Cross your fingers for me. I need all the positive I can get.