Monday, March 19, 2012

Accepting imperfection.

We all do it. Some of us more than others, some of us hardly at all. Certain things make it harder for me to control it. I get too caught up in the details, obsessed, whatever you want to call it, I'm a slave to it. It can keep me from sleeping, keep me up until I give in and fix whatever threw off my perfectionists idea of balance. I'm probably more than a little ocd when it comes to certain things. The lines I paint on the wall being perfect, the edge of the sand paper being just right.

I'm a perfectionist.

I'm not sure when I first realized this, high school, college, after having my first child. Over the years it's probably gotten worse, the need to make whatever I do as perfect as absolutely possible. I'm the girl who slaves over the stove and kicks myself after taking the first bite, more garlic, less salt. Whatever it is that the perfectionist doesn't like, I mentally spank myself. Over and over through out the day it cracks the whip. Seriously. I should probably drink more, lighten up. Let go.

Two words.

Let. Go.

Why is it so hard sometimes. When it comes to my story. I am the worlds worst critic. I don't think anyone could say anything that the perfectionist in me wouldn't nod along with and narrow its terrible eyes in my direction. LOL I just had a mental image of myself cowering in the corner before the loud slap. I know, I'm crazy. (Inside the perfectionist is nodding, just so you know).

Anyways to the point..............Oh yea. No one can say something worst than what I tell myself. It isn't possible. If they said my story was unimaginative drivel, inside the perfectionist nods. If they say I should give it up, inside the perfectionist nods. I wish I could slap the crap out of that perfectionist, but it would probably just squeal with glee, excited at the prospect of punishment.......... I'm sure Freud would love me. All the inner turmoil and angst. LOL okay I'm not a young adult novel, but you get the point.

I hate being a perfectionist. I have to remind myself to take a step back, take a deep breath, and except what I'm capable of, and what I'm not. I hate it, not getting it just so, just right, perfect. Is there anything on this earth that is, that isn't somehow slightly off balance, a little too much of this, too little of that. Even though my perfectionist often rules me, I'm learning, however painfully. To let go.

But the novel, the book, I can't seem to ease up on. I just keep beating myself and whimpering, unsure of where to go. Something is off, and my inner perfectionist won't let it go. Refuses. So I'm stuck, writers block............only this time,  it's a million times worse.


So what do I do now? Continue to help with the remodel, take out the sander, and the nail gun and hope the large amount of power tools eases my inner sorrow. I will finish the book.......someday. The moment will come where that aha moment rises and falls and my inner perfectionist will shut up and finally allow my fingers to hit the keys. I know my book will never be perfect (inside I'm cringing, the perfectionist is shaking her head refusing to believe it.) I wonder how many authors suffer from my particular brand of crazy. So many are like other artists, dark and foreboding, alcholics, addicts, with messy lives, and even messier love stories.

So here I am, a little crazy, (inside the perfectionist snorts obnoxiously, she's kind of a bitch.......) and I wonder, how many other people fight their inner compass, accept something that isn't quite right as good enough. Or do they see the imperfection the way I do..............LOL mental spanking, I have to find somewhere to use that, it's kind of funny. Crap, focus Ashley, there was a point, but I've already lost it. Haha Lost it, geez I crack myself up. (The IP, inner perfectionist, rolls her eyes.) See I even annoy me, but the point I'm grasping for is...... I hate being a perfectionist, hate, hate, HATE. But I am who I am, so the hiatus is still on. But I'm hoping the block breaks soon. Cross your fingers for me. I need all the positive I can get.

Monday, March 5, 2012

.........over the edge

Well I really have no terribly annoying excuses this time around. Life. In one word it catches up with you. Lately I've been helping my mom remodel her house. Which has been extremely fun for me. So I've taken a break from all forms of writing including the blog. I'm not sure how often I'll be around while this re-model is going on. Its work, to say the least. But I will say this.........I love power tools. Seriously. Have you ever used a nail gun? If not then you have no idea the awesome power it is to use such a thing. LOL.

So far we have sanded, re-painted, distressed, and sealed one built in cabinet, a hallway cabinet, half the kitchen cabinets, and one bathroom. We have also put up beadboard (wainscotting) in the master bedroom and a chair-rail. In the newly re-done bathroom we put up beadboard, and new baseboards, door trim and chair rail. Every ceiling has been painted, including all of the rooms, the ugly brown bricked fireplace, and numerous other small projects. IE wallpaper border, mirror frame, painted doors, hinges etc.

The list is long, and all done during ten hour days in the last two months. Yesterday the new counter tops were put in. I'm going to upload some pictures when I can, there is just something so satisfying about doing work with your hands. I grew up watching my father and grandfather working on cars, houses, etc. The hardware store was at least a weekly visit. I have fond memories of that hardware store..........

The point is I've been busy. And as soon as I'm done with this project (moms house) I'll be back, with more energy because of this little vacation from writing. So grab your power tools and join the fun. I'm sure you can find some small project at home to attack. You'll have a blast between all the cuts, cussing, and missing tools! I know I am.