I don’t know what to do with myself. Some days are easier than others. I distract myself with walking and cooking and trying to keep myself from remembering how it happened, that it happened at all. Other times I can go on breathing and forget for a moment and that moment is far too short and not often enough.
I’ve lost loved ones. My grandparents that helped raise me years back and my father more recently. I lost an adoptive grandfather/father only a year or two ago and still nothing touches the deep grief that lives inside me now.
I’m so angry at God. I wanted another child so badly I had to let that dream go when years went by without any plus signs. I worked really hard to get to a place where I could accept that I couldn’t have more children. And then I got pregnant.
It felt like a miracle. It felt like God had finally given me my child…my daughter.
And then he took her back.
And I’m so angry.
And I want her back.
And I hate him for it. And I can’t find the reason in his taking her and all but killing me. What is the lesson in this loss? Where is my peace. I had it once and now those dams are broken and I’m lost without my shepherd.
How do I forgive myself and love God.
How do I get past this?
If only I had some explanation instead of more questions, more anger. I hate this body and this place and the love of my family isn’t helping keep me from the brink. The madness and anger just keeps eating all my joy. Ravenous it takes all that’s good and twists it into more pain.
I hate myself.
Why?
Why?
Why?
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