Complicated

Life has been so strange lately. I find myself angry for no reason. Caught somewhere between denial and oppression. 

Hoping that I’ll wake up and the loss of this last year will be erased or worse pretending it never happened. I’ll see a friend pregnant or that someone just had their baby and I’m so envious and angry I can’t see.

Why do they get their baby? Where’s mine?

And I hope that no one knows the awful things going on in my head. I hope God forgives me.

And I hate and hate and hate and don’t know how to get it out of my body. It’s starting to screw up my relationship. And I wonder how do people survive this. 

How do their marriages get through the loss of a child. 

How do I? 

There’s so many things we aren’t saying. Like if we don’t say them they will go away. So I’ll say them here.

I’m sorry

Part of me hates you

I hate myself

I hate God

I still want my baby

I feel like you’ll never understand me

I don’t even understand myself

Please forgive me

Sometimes I don’t want to be with you 

Because you will always remind me of what we lost together, of my worst day on this planet. And I hate that you’re associated with that pain.