How to Heal my Broken Heart

I don’t know what to do with myself. Some days are easier than others. I distract myself with walking and cooking and trying to keep myself from remembering how it happened, that it happened at all. Other times I can go on breathing and forget for a moment and that moment is far too short and not often enough. 

I’ve lost loved ones. My grandparents that helped raise me years back and my father more recently. I lost an adoptive grandfather/father only a year or two ago and still nothing touches the deep grief that lives inside me now.

I’m so angry at God. I wanted another child so badly I had to let that dream go when years went by without any plus signs. I worked really hard to get to a place where I could accept that I couldn’t have more children.  And then I got pregnant. 

It felt like a miracle. It felt like God had finally given me my child…my daughter. 

And then he took her back.

And I’m so angry.

And I want her back. 

And I hate him for it. And I can’t find the reason in his taking her and all but killing me. What is the lesson in this loss? Where is my peace. I had it once and now those dams are broken and I’m lost without my shepherd.

How do I forgive myself and love God. 

How do I get past this?

If only I had some explanation instead of more questions, more anger. I hate this body and this place and the love of my family isn’t helping keep me from the brink. The madness and anger just keeps eating all my joy. Ravenous it takes all that’s good and twists it into more pain. 

I hate myself.

Why?

Why?

Why?

To My Lost Baby

 You were born only two weeks after we discovered your existence. Through the pain and agony I wished with everything inside me to keep you there you were too little just seven weeks and there was no way to save you. 

But if I could reach out and rip you back from heaven I would, I’d give anything to still be pregnant with you. To still carry your tiny body within mine. To plan for a future with you in it. To pick your name and decorate your bedroom. To see your perfect face and hear your baby cries. I’m haunted by your absence. Why would God give me you for only a moment. 

I feel like I’m being punished. That I didn’t prove I wanted you enough or that my love was found lacking. I’ve dreamed of you for ten years waiting patiently for God to give me my next baby. Five years ago I accepted that babies were beyond me. That I had my two sweet boys and my daughter was never going to come. 

I made jokes that I would be a terrible mom to a girl. That my boys made me unfit and harsh. But deep down I was breaking apart inside with longing. I love my husband so much all I ever wanted was more of him and more of me. I wanted tiny toes and fingers that heavenly scent of sweet baby. In the end to mend my broken heart my husband got me a puppy. A sweet grey Weimaraner pup we called scout. 

Last year my sweet annoying girl bit my sons face and we had to put her down. I would not keep an animal that was dangerous. I would not pass on my problem to someone else. For years we fought against her emotional problems. Resource guarding, separation anxiety, food aggression. I read all the books to save her and in the end she defied my trust and hurt my son horribly. 

I Said goodbye to the puppy I loved…and a new kind of pain came for me. My regret for loving her, for trusting her, for putting my son in harms way. Even now as the stitches have healed and the skin is smooth I can’t look at him without feeling a deep hurt inside myself for being a part of what happened to him. I wish so much I could erase that puppy from our lives. 

She was never the child I wanted. She was never you the baby I wanted so badly. She was the bandaid on a dam crumbling. In the end I think she helped but then she didn’t. Nothing can take the place of a child you know you are missing. And here we are again I’m missing you. Wanting so badly to be pregnant still. To have that beautiful future with you in it. I know you were my daughter. And I want so badly to climb up and take you back. 

I wonder if God will ever let me have another when all I want is you.